Summer school for Boebert

Engsiong Tan
3 min readSep 20, 2023

The lesson that Laura Boebert missed

Thank Congresswoman Boebert for coming back to school on such short notice. Usually when we call a parent back to school, it is because of their children. Today, it is because of you.

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

I wanted to call this class a freshman orientation for Congress but most of your cohort appear to have passed their basic common-sense class without trying. I have my suspicion about the grades of your colleague Marjorie but then that is another story. I tried calling it a refresher course but the powers that be could not agree on what exactly we should be refreshing. So summer school it is.

Please put away your firearm. I know that you are licensed to carry it. However, this is the part where we need to talk about message. A national level politician that needs to be armed in the capital of a powerful country in the world sends a wrong message. There are Capitol police and DC police for your protection.

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

Do you see the FBI director or the generals in the Capitol packing firearms? That is a rhetorical question Boebert, not your homework. The reason they come unarmed to the Capitol is to symbolize that USA is a safe country. It also shows that they are all under the rule of law and not the rule of firearm.

Photo by Anthony Garand on Unsplash

On the subject of guns, let us talk about the elephant in the room. You were caught breaking the rules in a Beetlejuice musical. There is a concept in politics called reaching across the aisle. It does not mean reaching into the pants of a democrat. You did not know that your date was a democrat? That is not the point. The point is that we all should be clothed when in public.

There is also a concept in politics called cutting the pork. You grabbing the hog in the musical is not what your voters have in mind. Yes, Ms Boebert. You are a congresswoman only because people voted for you. You represent them.

On the matter of representation, we know that cannabis is legal in Colorado. That does not mean you can vape anywhere in the state. For god sake, there were children in the audience. What kind of lesson do you think you showed to those innocent Colorado children? Were you hoping that your secondhand smoke will give them amnesia?

Let us talk about something close to your heart. Children. You are a grandmother. Yet you called a pregnant woman asking you to stop vaping a miserable person. Does her unborn child not matter? What kind of message are you giving to the children in the audience? That their mothers do not matter? Or there are children of a lesser god?

Photo by Photoholgic on Unsplash

Please stop filming me. On the subject of illegal recording, you have a net worth of seven digits. That is enough money to watch several Beetlejuice shows. There was no need to pirate the show. If anything, you should have brought your children to the show for them to get an educational experience. Yes, Ms Boebert. There is more to education than sex education. But I guess that you are probably a subject matter expert on reproduction.

Yes, Lauren. I was your kindergarten teacher. I really have no idea why they wanted me to come out of retirement to give my last lesson. You can also stop sticking your fingers in the ear and booing me. We know who you are Ms Boebert. And thanks to your indiscretion at the Beetlejuice musical, we are all dumber because of your action.