Mission Impossible: Training wheels
Overheard in a toilet at Mar a Lago
Good evening, Donald.
It has been four years since you screwed up operation Pacify NATO. Your subsequent attempt to fix the issue codename operation Four Seasons was so bad that we had to purge all references of it in our archives. Four Seasons Total Landscaping is clearly on you.
However, as all our best agents are currently in Ukraine, we have decided to give you a second chance. We would call this operation the final solution except that one of your people has already exposed the plan.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take back the White House. We have selected a team of supreme court judges to give you immunity. We have gotten rid of the dogs from the White House. We even had to persuade a governor to come out of (dog shooting) retirement to ensure a dog free White House.
Your bagman Steve Bannon is imprisoned so you will have to switch to another specialist. We are aware that you have lost the right to bear arms. This mission however does not require any violence on your part. We do not have faith in cowboys that need to own three pistols.
You also do not have to be a keyboard warrior. We have a few surviving astronauts from our space program. Finding one with your intelligence was a challenge until we expanded our search to include primates. Today, you do not need an army of monkeys with typewriters. Just one primate with auto correct. Or copy and paste. Normally, we will issue a code name but knowing that you misspelled your own name, it might be a step too far.
This message will self-destruct in five seconds. To cover for your absence, a meaningless truth will be posted by Agent Ivasha. Should you be captured, let’s just say that the truth will be Xed. You really do not want us to add a new sink to your situation room.
Flushing noise.