Feb 24, 2021
Mind Reading not Required
Everything you need to know, you can learn it from TV
There are many jokes about people not informing others (Read significant other) about their requirements and then expecting others to know their needs. This is patiently false. Nobody expects other people to have the ability to read minds. There is no use to guess what random number is in my head or the exact thought in my mind.
The truth is that you just need to use the latest crime solving techniques as seen on TV. Those shows that have lots of computers and scientific jargons. You also have one hour to solve the problem. If you subscribes to Netflix™, look under Cerebral.
FBI Profilers
For those more pedantic readers, it is a member of FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit. Mind reading is like searching a house without a valid reason or warrant. That is illegal. FBI profilers are supposed to see patterns. They are supposed to read body language and then understand the thoughts inside the person’s mind. If I am in the bathroom, look at the clues that I leave outside to read the instructions. Figuring out when I am hungry is easy. I eat three times a day almost every day. The timing might be irregular but then the profilers is supposed to see the pattern. As for your needs, do you see those profilers eating or even sleeping? I am not an unreasonable person so you can grab a cup of coffee. And while you are at it, grab one for me.
Interrogators
This role is more difficult. We do not want you to raise your voice or even point out the hard truths. We want the interrogation to be friendly and pleasant. A hot drink and snack would be welcomed. Pleasantries to be exchanged. Rules to be followed. If you so much as deviate from the unwritten rules, you will have no case and have to concede. My lawyer does not need to sit in because your judge is in attendance. Hint: Your judge is sitting in my chair.
At this point, you might be asking if this is a job for a therapist and not an interrogator. It is a job for an interrogator to get the truth. They do not judge the person or even attempt to fix the criminal. Once the truth is uncovered, to either bury the case due to mitigating circumstances or to file it for further usage. By the way, I need to point that as the judge, I can choose to seal the files. Or get them redacted for national emergencies.
CSI Aka Forensic
This is when you need all the latest science on your side. You are not going to get straightforward clues like a smoking gun. You will need to get the resources of the Smithsonian Institution like Dr Brennan in Bones. You might also consider watching Asian CSI shows. Science has no borders.
At this point, you might rightfully point out that first there has to be a crime scene. Which means there has to be reason to suspect a crime. At this point, I need to point out that crime prevention is also one of your duties. It is your job to anticipate all the risk. Is there a new crime? Better start importing those deterrents before I get affected. Cyber crimes? Your job is to install the necessary safeguards before I am endangered. But you have to get the cheapest and most convenient solution. The solution also has to be 100% effective because I hate people wasting money.
The Other Guys
When I am not a person of interest, you can borrow tricks from the other cop shows. Break the rules? Go ahead as long as the rules are not mine. Go off the books? Just don’t get caught. Go behind my back? Granted, as I also want deniability. The ends justify the means. Do I have to tell you how to do your job? You can even watch Ray Donovan for hints. But if you ever get caught, you will be disavowed.
Rights to Remain Silent
The simpler solution will be to talk. But if we talk, it means compromises and trade offs. If you anticipated the need, it is a gift with no strings attached. Talking may even take more than one hour which means less time to watch Netflix™.
I am a firm believer in Karma which means you will be blessed for performing those impossible tasks. I would remind you to share your blessings with me but certain things are best left unsaid.
