Dear sir,

You are reading the newspaper incorrectly. You are supposed to using the app. If you use the app, you are able to click on their links and then go into other rabbit holes of the internet. We assume you have paid the other publication that our columnists sourced the information from. If not, just assume our columnist's summary was spot on. Want to see what is beef between our columnists? Just click the link.

Actually, don't bother looking for another opinion. We are like a supermarket with a house brand. We will do everything so that you will come to an unbiased conclusion that our house brand columnist is the best.

Organic truth untouched by evil corporations.

Watered with the tears of fact checkers.

Harvested with the purest of hearts.

Right until that columnist quits and works for the competition.