An Ideal American Government
Or how to get voters out of the way
Hello, you have reached the office of your government representative.
Press 1 if you want to donate. Press 2 if you want to purchase tickets to any of the fund raising events. Press 3 if you want action done on specific legislation.
Press 426286837 for any constituent’s request.
You have pressed 4-2-6-2-8-6-8-3-7. You are in need of assistance. Before calling your government representative, have you tried the following:
- Pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
- Rolling up your sleeve and fixing it yourself
- Getting off your bottom and looking for a solution
For a limited time only, you can buy my book on how to be a responsible citizen for ten dollars.
Press 1 if you still need assistance. Press 2 if your government representative has fixed your problem.
You have pressed 1. It is clear that your problems are clearly very serious.
Press 1 if the issue is related to related firearms or unnecessary government regulation. Press 2 for any other issues.
You have pressed 2. Please state your problem clearly in one word.
You have said Emergency. This is a serious waste of tax payers money. The government representative is not an emergency service. Please read your terms of service before calling again.
Press 1 if you still have any other issues. Press 2 to end call.
You have pressed 1. Please state your problem clearly in one word.
You have said hungry. As your government representative, I need to correct you. You are not hungry enough to help yourself. If you are really hungry, you will using your time to look for paid employment.
Press 1 if you still have any other issues. Press 2 to end call.
You have pressed 1. Please state your problem clearly in one word.
You have said flooding. As your government representative, I need to inform you that I am not responsible for floods. You should made preparation for all acts of god because that is what a responsible citizen would do. I am fully aware that the levees have broken but my lawyers have informed me that the levees are not the responsibility of my office. Be assured that after this disaster, I will do my best to find the party responsible. May I suggest if you want a handout, you start swimming for a different state or country?
Finally, if you choose to stay and weather out the flood, I salute you for your fortitude. America needs survivors like you. Please remember me during the next election for the great work I have done for you.
Click.